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THE HOUSE OF THE by PETER BOONE BERTOLETTE
I write after receiving knowledge from a trusted understudy that my position of leisure had been dropped from the register at the House of Pasta. I alone had escaped from the clutches of that Mansonic way of life. My enemy from the start---Hugh Pasta, attacked me physically as well as verbally. I had discovered his secret quite early. He is a definite vampire & his wife is a vicious maniac who blames herself for her husband's insanity. Jemima Pasta, known as "Mama" to her many friends was poorly educated. She met Hugh in the City, a disgusting place where a knife is a weapon and not a kitchen utensil. Her friends are known to experiment too far with other people's lives. Due to this many strange deaths were registered to the Pastas. In the following pages I will discuss my personal relationship with this notorious klan. I will also describe those who make up the "Family". It started in October when I requested employment at this formidable palace (It looked like a creation of the dreaded Tomas Mifflo Jung). I encountered an acquaintance named Mede who said I could get a job if I inquired at some time while he was working there. I then met Lahora the oddly beautiful sister of Hugh. She is also a werewolf and one of the strangest you'll ever see for she reacts to the Portuguese Moon, and she paralyzes her victims with antagonistic gums. My friend Mede was attacked by her yet mutely survives. He now washes dishes and performs menial tasks for the dreaded monsters. Jemima was my third acquaintance. She has little or no intelligence, what little she has is used to bark out commands. Since I worked there I have become the most depraved person imaginable. Jemima had been raised in Torrington Connecticut. She worked her ass off until she met Hugh who offered her a life of sucking life fluids from people who frequent the House of Pasta. She forced me to work in the kitchen preparing and cooking human flesh. I was assisted by three voluptuous but too friendly (with each other) young maidens---Marla, Toots, and Zaza. A lad who Hugh later cut up, by name of Cheston Muse worked as apprentice and amigo of Felico, macho favorite cook. Derbie was the other cook along with Seymour the Mad Butcher, who hacked the arms and legs off the dead bodies. Other girls (unsuspectingly beautiful) took orders from those who frequented Hugh Pasta's House of Delicacies. These people weren't masochists, they were duped, they displayed manic depressive paranoid schizophrenic tendencies and exhibited jaded sadistic behaviour. Many impressionable teens worked there and were offered jobs by Sam Jung---Mede's older brother. Sam was top dog of all the workers and was given the foreman position. He soon adopted Hugh's mannerisms and turned to his friends for their bodily fluids. His mom caught wind of this and sedated him at night to keep him off Mede. Mede was the most crazed and fell in love twice, once with Toots who he almost married. She was from Terryville, a burghe full of prole immigrants. If Mede's mom caught wind of this she woulda hung his nuts in the local museum. Mede's relations with Toots swelled uncontrollably then faded as he fell for Marla; Toots abandoned all her contacts with men and turned to Zaza, a cute sado-maso with a flair for bullwhips and granny glasses. They were often seen making love together, rolling around singing Donovan songs on the kitchen floor. Simply perverse! At this time Hugh received a hundred carcasses, black ones (most Pasta customers prefer dark to white meat). Sam helped Hugh prepare these bodies and Koveyuhsuh, a newcomer to the kitchen stood around and was severely abused by Hugh's verbalisms. Both of us were assigned to cleaning platters and utensils. Hugh said we were too slow and attached special devices to our hindsections which would activate a buzzer next to Sam when we sat down. He would then whip us--- we always worked hard to get home and nurse our whipwounds. We had to walk there. The next night was strange. All the cooks and platter cleaners were present. Cheston Muse and Tom Hazel were bus boys and the waitresses were Hoolie---voluptuous but hostile to anyone who tried to get close to her, Catti---who was close to self-destruction, Torsala---ruthless as anything. Hugh assigned me to cleaning the catacombs where I found a strange poem in Lahora's hand.
Boo-shee-boom, wang-a-dang-dang I heard someone coming so I stuffed it into my pocket. It was Sam;---"Hugh's lookin for you." "Fuck him," I replied; "He told me to clean up down here and that's what I'm gonna do. Just because you're foreman doesn't mean you can boss me around." "Listen to me, listen good. I-I-I-I g-got you this job here, you're ruinin me by not standin with me and I ain't g-gonna let you mess me up." "You kiss Hugh's ass every chance you get" "Maybe he'll give us a raise." "Sam if you like this place you're dumber than you look." "Well you dont have to work here." "I know it---I'm quitting." Sam got his fat and left. Upstairs, Toots and Mede were engrossed in cosmic thoughts of peace and love, pelting each other with mashed potatoes and giggling incessantly. "I love Donovan," Mede said. "Yes, so do Zaza and I." "Did I tell you I saw him in Hartford?" "Yes---three times." "Well he was at the gathering of the hip responsible youth in Hartford, on Moratorium Day." "It must have been exciting." "It sure was." Now I slipped under the bar and overheard the bartender Manny rapping about baseball. "The Mets were lucky, dats all, ya know a couple years back I saw 'em down at Shea and they couldna hit da fuggin ball outta da the infeel." "Well the Mets aint my fav," said a fat cat full of human flesh and booze. Now under the kitchen where Hugh talks to Jemima: "Do we have stew onna menu?" Jemima shook her head. Hugh said; "Well I'm gonna water this shit down to make clot puree for the folks that just got here." Jemima said; "I dunno Hugh, Cocklicco of the Detective Division in Watertown is in that party." "Yeah he likes pricks the best, I guess anybody would, Sam cooks 'em so soft and tender." "Sam's a good kid but Berto over there, he must be on drugs or something. He don't ever know what's goin' on." "No---" Jemima said in dismay, "none of dese kids take drugs." "I'm not so sure about that, but if they do I'll kick dere heads in, we're like second parents to them," Hugh replied. "I love 'em all", Jemima added. "Betcha'd jump into bed wid da foist one dat laid eyes onya." "Nev Hugh, NEV! NEV! NEV!!!" "I know cuz you wouldna wanna get slapped in the ass wid an adultery suit." "Sshh! Hugh the girls might hear ya. I gotta get back to work." I heard footsteps and resumed my sweeping, they weren't Hugh's, and I saw two pairs of female feet so I hid in the shadows. It was the hostess hustler Nino followed by Zaza. They walked past me into the light and stopped. Nino said, "Zaza, take off yer clothes and I'll do the same." Zaza replied, "Groovy! Les' be frens'." I bolted up the stairs and out the door much distressed by what my eyes were beholding. I ran and ran until I made it to Holy Hill where I beheld Christ masturbating with a palm frond, thinking it was palm sunday I checked mine for fuzz and was relieved to see the peachfuzz of holiness. I became a changed man as a result of this revelation and now possess hope yet Koveyuhsuh is still there. |
©1970 PETER BOONE BERTOLETTE |
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